The lost faces

I lost all the loving faces in the sunset sky. When it splashed purple hues into the sky  I lost all the known loving faces which I could vividly imagine on the sunset sky. The sunset colours meandered in the palette and washed away the known face. I craved for the motherly warmth that I had always felt in your presence. You will always be missed in our hearts. Destiny has been cruel, it took you away before I could meet you for one last time to gather a few memories. Memories, which I could cherish in my heart for years to come. You have inspired, you have loved, cared and moulded my persona. Had it not been for you I would not have been what I am today. I owe my life to you. I have learnt a lot from you but I can never be as selfless, loving and all giving as you. You have created a void in our lives, I miss you even more in the silent afternoons. I do not believe in rebirths but I wish I could because I want your presence in my life in my next birth. I look forward to another life when you would be a part of my life again. We all love you and you will always reside in the most treasured corner of our hearts. 

The First Rain

She sat in the Starbucks cafe, sipping her coffee and staring out of the window. The blood stained knife lay next to her handbag, covered with her blue silk scarf. .. A cursory glance actually made people pause for a few seconds only to realize soon enough that it was a very cheap red food coloring, a simulated theatrical blood and nothing more. Kripa sat alone in the Starbucks café, fuming with silent wrath. How could somebody ignore her to this extent??? Kripa with her captivating looks and charm had never ever been ignored before and here was somebody who actually did not give a damn. A few tear drops escaped her eyes and made way down her cheeks, she wiped it with fearsome vengeance. This is not her. Kripa sat in her track pants and faded T-shirt, her eyes smeared with kajal applied a night before, puffy eyes from the lack of sleep. Kripa has never faced any emotion like this ever before in her life. A sudden realization dawned upon her, Kripa was in love and that too of all persons with the lanky, bespeckled, dark skinned, Krish, with a slightly crooked nose. Krish with his average looks could easily have gone unnoticed if not for the intense, intelligent eyes. Kripa realized with helpless exasperation that she had finally fallen in love with her mathematician, husband, Krish and the worst part was she did not mean anything to him. A thousand guys were ready to lay out their heart for Kripa but the one that had stolen her heart was none other than her soul mate for life. He did not even bother to stop her or call her when she had left the house in a fit of anger. But things had not always been the same.

The year was 2010, the last day of college. Exams were over followed by a fun filled party with college mates. Kripa returned home to receive a shock, her dad wanted her to get married and wanted her to meet his friend’s son, Krish the next day itself. Kripa had observed her parents indulge in hushed discussions in recent times but she never thought that they would indulge in such deep conspiracy of squashing her dreams of building a modeling career. Kripa felt cheated, after all she had confided with her mother about her dreams of becoming a model, ever since she was a 16 year old. How could she let this happen? She glared at her mother with silent accusation but dared not object to her strict father;s wishes. However Kripa asked meekly what does he do, dad? “He is a professor of applied mathematics in Stanford University, Krish has always been an extremely intelligent boy, a topper all throughout, very good orator, extremely well versed with the Vedas, a great sportsman….”. Kripa’s dad could not just stop his praises for Krish. Kripa was not listening..a professor of mathematics, that sounded horrid. Kripa had hated maths ever since she had learnt the meaning of the word. She could almost visualize her life being entangled in an overwhelming cloud of monotony. What would she talk about with Mr Professor? Kripa was a student of literature and maths was no match for literature.

The next day was Sunday. Kripa tried her best to look as ugly as possible. She tightly pleated her oily hair, did not bother for any makeup. She got herself dressed in an old faded denim and an equally faded T-shirt. Kripa ignored her mother’s cross-eyed looks at her dressing; her father did not seem to notice anything. Kripa prepared herself for two hours boredom..............

The Severed Hibiscus

It was the first thought that came to her as she woke up. He was gone. And, soon, this bedroom, the house in whose eastern corner it sat, and the tiny garden outside with its gnarled old red hibiscus and the half-grown mango tree they had planted together, all those would be gone as well. It was the strangest feeling ever. A strange sinking feeling engulfed Madhura. It was a rented house and Madhura would no longer be able to afford to live in this big house with her meagre salary. She would have to look for a smaller place to stay. She had already informed her land lady that she would be vacating the house by the month end. Madhura no longer had tears in her desert eyes. A gnawing pain in her heart kept her awake at night. The desert eyes no longer shed a tear. The excruciating pain within the heart could never find its way till the eyes. The bright smile on the lips was just an excuse for not breaking down, the smile on the lips was nothing more than a masquerade to shield the gaping wound deep within the heart. The hollow laugh could not camouflage the pain within. When being strong is the only option left then tears have no place in one's life. When pain makes us numb then tears fail us. The silent sleepless nights, the sudden awakening in the middle of the night with nothing to break the silence of the eerie night other than the deep sigh and feeling of hopelessness. The lingering moon light would create mysterious silhouettes.

She remembered the last time she had seen him on the morning of that fateful day. He was dressed for office, he looked a little lost, a little agitated, not his usual composed self. Arun had avoided looking at her straight in the eye. He had waved a cursory goodbye before leaving for office, never to return again. “It is Friday Madhura, you do not really need to pack my lunch, I will go out for lunch with my team”. Arun had said when Madhura had handed him his lunch box for the last time. That night Madhura had returned to an empty home. She remembered the WhatsApp message she had received that evening, "Hi Madhura, as I had informed you a week back, I do not wish to carry on with our marriage and hence I am moving out of the house. Please do not try to contact me". Madhura was not surprised with the message, although she had tried her best to evade the truth but the truth had all along glared at her in the face, her marriage was over. After all, since quite some time, there had not been much left in her marriage, she had never conceived, even after four years of their marriage, her womb remained barren. There was no bond or ties left between Arun and Madhura. Since quite some time Arun had been insisting for a divorce. He had different reasons at different times. Arun’s parents too were not really fond of Madhura.

"Madhura, this is not meant to be, we are not meant to be together. I do not love you any more, its over" exclaimed an agitated Arun. “Moreover I am an only son and you have not been able to please my parents, they do not like you at all”.  “I will try harder to please them Arun, please give me one chance” said Madhura in desperation. “I want a DIVORCE” screamed Arun. Madhura looked at Arun with a glassy expression as if she had not been able to decipher the simple letters. This was her Arun, her husband of the past four years, she had never imagined a day without him and here was he really talking of separation? "Madhura, try and understand, I love Anjali and I want to marry her, you cannot really force me to live with you". She nodded her head in silent submission, she could not really force Arun to live with her. A sudden thought crept to her mind, maybe she had failed Arun, maybe she had failed somewhere as a wife, as a daughter-in-law. Maybe she could try and be a better wife, a better daughter-in-law.  "Arun, please let’s give it another try, we can make it work out, Madhura pleaded. "It’s over Madhura, please try and understand, if I have to live with you, I will have to commit suicide, shouted Arun.

“Arun, I am pregnant” Madhura had declared on a Sunday morning, exactly a month before Arun had left her forever, never to return again. She was holding the pregnancy test strip in her hand. She had expected Arun to be surprised, if not happy. But he was shocked. He paced the floor in agitation. He held the strip and tried to uncover some flaw in the test. Finally he declared in a determined voice “It still does not change my decision, I want a divorce. If there is a ‘baby’ I will take the baby’s custody in future”. The next few days were an agony to Madhura. The frequent visits to the hospital was taking a toll on her. The sight of happy couples, the husband helping his pregnant wife to a seat brought a sudden twinge of sadness. She felt alone. She had hoped some where in the most remote corner of her heart that Arun would offer to accompany her to the doctor. Madhura knew that she could be having a miscarriage as she was bleeding. She had hoped Arun would want to save the baby with as much intensity as she had wished. After all, ever since she got married all she had wanted was a baby. She had promised the ‘tiny speck’, the ‘little one’ that she would not let any harm befall on it. She had started bleeding a bit every day. The innumerable visits to the hospital, the tests, were taking a toll on her. Arun did not bother to drive her to the hospital or even accompany her to the hospital.

“Bleeding in pregnancy is not normal Madhura, it could be an ectopic pregnancy which can actually be fatal or it might be a chemical induced pregnancy” the doctor warned. Madhura stared at the doctor in a dazed manner. “Please god, please save my baby”.

Madhura sat on the bathroom floor holding the grey clump of clot in her hand, she let the blood ooze out along with the silent tears in her eyes. She bled out the last remnant of her ‘little one’ and bid it goodbye forever. It had been a week since Arun had left. The cramp she felt in her abdomen was not as painful as the pang in her heart. She somehow felt relieved. Arun had said that he would fight for the custody of the baby if it survived and she did not really want her baby to arrive in such a cruel, loveless world where it would be treated as a property and not as an individual.

A month had passed since then. Madhura had moved on.  She had moved to a smaller house. The bare feet on the wet grass, the disheveled hair falling all over the face, the creased white slightly smeared lucknow chikan kurta, the freedom to look unkempt and not the usual prim and proper self and the freedom of being happy without being questioned is a totally new and a liberating experience for Madhura. She had not experienced this happiness since a long time. The evening park was buoyant with the chirpy sound of merriment of the children playing in the park. A distant sound of the flute brings back a lot of lost memories. A long forgotten song played on her lips, she hummed the tune but the words had been long forgotten, her brows furrowed as she tried to recall the long forgotten song. She remembered singing this song along with her mother as a child on the thunderous nights spent in her quaint home in the small town on the foothills, sitting beside the glowing hurricane lantern.

Madhura took a deep breath and inhaled the sweet fragrance of her newly acquired freedom. A smile crept to her lips, a strange glow had brightened her ageing face and although the creases were still evident, the creases that had appeared on her forehead during the last few years of struggle, yet Madhura looked beautiful. Madhura has fallen in love, she is smitten and totally enamored. Is this how love feels? she wondered. Never before in her life she had experienced anything like this. Her mind immediately pictured a handsome face she had thought she loved, the few streaks of grey on his forehead and the intelligent eyes behind the black rimmed glasses. But why had this face become bleak, she tried to trace all the marks, the curves on his face but could not. Till a few months back she could remember every inch of his face and every time she recalled, she felt a pang of melancholy, a sudden twinge of pain in her heart.

A single signature on the divorce papers was a liberating experience.  It was an end to all those years of trying, trying really hard to please Arun and his parents. A scrawl on the legal papers liberated Madhura from the four yearlong effort of trying to be that which she could never be, trying to be that which Arun had always looked for in a wife. Nobody really bothered what Madhura wanted in her life. Madhura's father had never asked her on whether she would like to get married or take up the offshore job opportunity. Madhura's husband had never asked her whether she would like to pursue her dream of becoming a singer. The fact was nobody had ever asked Madhura what would make her happy and ironically Madhura herself too had never asked the same question to herself. She realized somewhere she herself was to be blamed for her misfortune. Madhura's life had revolved around Arun's life and his absence left her dazed for some days. She had never thought about the purpose of her existence. Her day had always started and ended with Arun’s thought. What would Arun like for breakfast or dinner? Would Arun approve the new dress she had purchased for herself? Would Arun get angry if she went to her mother’s place for a few days? Arun’s happiness made her feel happy. She had never thought about what she wanted in life. She had always sought acknowledgment from everybody, Arun, his parents, her parents and so on. Now it no longer mattered. For once in life Madhura did not bother what people would think of her? She did not bother to understand what her neighbors whispered when they saw her after Arun had left her.

Family, relatives and friends sympathized with her. The look of pity lingered in the eyes of people around her for many days to come. Madhura waited patiently for the look of pity to pass, she wished to live a dignified, respectful and independent life and not a life of pity and compassion. She hated the look of pity in the eyes of her close friends and family. Madhura returned to a life of normalcy soon enough much to the surprise of her friends and relatives. Madhura never enquired about Arun's whereabouts although a few friends informed her that he was living in Anjali's apartment. It did not matter anymore to Madhura. Madhura had lot of free time now. She did not wake up in the morning with the thought of what to cook for Arun's lunch and breakfast, she could actually sneak some time to go for her morning trysts in the park. The daily rendezvous with the morning sun was something she looked forward to. Every morning the sky had a different hue from the previous day, nature would everyday splash different colors on the morning sky. Madhura had a lot of free time to herself and so she has joined an NGO for street children. She spends her weekends educating the street children, encouraging them to join school. A sudden divine intervention has brought about a lot of meaning to her barren life. Madhura is no longer Mrs. Arun Sharma, Madhura is just "Madhura- the sweet one". Madhura has discovered the right essence of life, never before had she known so much sweetness could exist in life. The sweetness that comes from living a meaningful life.

Dusk had descended but Madhura continued walking bare feet on the wet grass. A few drops of rain had started falling on her feet. The clear sky was gradually getting filled with ominous clouds. It was quite similar to her life which had seemed to be perfect but a sudden quake had shattered everything. The children had returned home and so had the chirping birds. Madhura noticed a crimson hibiscus lying in her path, she lifted it gently in her hands, the severed flower was still bright crimson. The hibiscus had still retained its identity even after being severed from the tree. The flower glowed with an unusual brightness. Madhura looked at it with curiosity and gradually a smile curled up in her winter cracked lips and in that divine moment she professed her love for life, a love much stronger and passionate than any other love she had ever before experienced in her life.

The Unsuitable Wife

Sagar looked at his wife with utter exasperation, "You are so dumb and slow witted!!". The other day Sagar had gone out with his wife in the evening and he wanted her to wrap the dupatta round her head just like Dipali used to do. Dipali was Sagar's ex girlfriend. Dipali and Sagar had shared a very special and intimate relationship since 2005, until their separation in 2011 when Sagar finally decided not to marry Dipali and rather marry the docile, timid, small town girl Sandhya. But Sandhya continued to live in the shadow of Dipali, every day and every moment in their marriage. Sagar would discuss and compare his intimate moments with Dipali during his intimate moments with his wife. He derived a strange sadistic pleasure in discussing his past sexual encounters with his wife. Whenever Sagar and Sandhya fought, Sagar would compare and say that Dipali never used to snap at him. Presumably Dipali had always been submissive and would never retort. Dipali could cook really nice, Dipali was of a very jovial nature and so on. It was quite evident that Sagar was still very much in love with Dipali. Sagar was an unlucky man, he always realized the value of a person when the person was no longer in his life. Dipali was good looking and a perfect match for Sagar. Even Sagar's friends would compliment them that they looked extremely good as a couple. Sagar and Dipali were compatible, Dipali was fun to be with, a cheerful, friendly girl with a zest for life. Sagar had thought of marrying Dipali and had even introduced her to his parents. Sagar and his parents had met Dipali's parents but Sagar's mom did not approve of Dipali. She did not like either Dipali or her parents, Sagar's mother matched Dipali and Sagar's horoscope and told Sagar that it was a very bad match. Sagar was still adamant and he wanted to marry Dipali. There used to be terrible fights at home. Every day after Sagar returned from office his mother would create a huge pandemonium at home. This was not the first time that this had happened. Earlier when Sagar had liked Srimoyee, a doctor in Kolkata and had wanted to marry her, Sagar's mother had fought a lot, thrown things, had become violent and thus he had given up on Sri (Srimoyee was fondly called as Sri by Sagar), he had moved from kolkata to Mumbai, he ran away from his love. Time and again Sagar had always given up on relationships just because his mother did not approve of any girl in his life. The overwhelming love that Sagar's mother had for him stopped her from letting any other love enter into his life. It must have been suffocating for Sagar. Sagar was an unlucky man, although god had always blessed him with true love, yet time and again he decided to run away from that very love.

"Papu (Sagar's nickname), if you marry Dipali I will burn this house, I will create so many issues that Dipali will run away from your life". "I will never let you marry Dipali", screamed Promila, Sagar's mother. Sagar fought every day with his parents. Sagar tried his best but finally had to succumb to his parents' wishes. Sagar was very close to his maternal uncle. Sagar's uncle called him up and explained "Sagar if your parents do not want, please do not go ahead with this relationship, you are their only son, their only hope, please do not let down your parents". Sagar did not let down his parents. Sagar wanted to prove to the society that he was a good son. He preferred to let down his girl friend. Quite often men do not want to hurt their mother but would rather hurt their girlfriend or their wives as if there is a conflict between being a good son and a good husband or a boy friend. Sagar told his parents "If you do not want me to marry Dipali, find me a girl and I will marry her". Sagar's parents started searching for a "suitable girl" everywhere in their social circle, in matrimonial sites, in matrimonial ads in the newspaper and so on. Most of the prospects Sagar approved were disapproved by his parents. The horoscopes never would match.The next day Sagar called up Dipali and told her that he wanted to meet her in the evening. They met in a coffee shop in Banjara Hills. Sagar without much ado told Dipali " Dipali, I have always thought of you as a good friend and had wanted to marry you but I had also told you beforehand that I will marry you only if my parents approve of you and my mother does not like you at all". "Dipali, my parents have made a lot of sacrifices for me and I cannot go against their wishes". Dipali looked at Sagar with wide eyed dismay, wonder and hurt, soon tears welled up in her eyes. "Sagar , I really love you, please do not do this to me". Gradually her anguish was replaced by anger "Sagar, you have used me, look at your self in the mirror, which girl would marry you, you are no longer as good looking as you used to be at one point of time, you are fat, there are so many guys dying to marry me, how dare you reject me? Very soon her anger was again replaced by a helplessness, "Fine Sagar, at least, lets keep meeting, I love you, give me some time to come out of this relationship", to which Sagar nodded. Sagar and Dipali kept meeting. Sagar did not let Dipali know that he had already put up a matrimonial ad and was planning to get married. The father, mother, son, trio would visit various girl's houses in the quest for a 'suitable wife'. Sagar always would some how like all the girls but his parents never seem to like any girl. Sagar's dad would rebuke him saying "In our days, we used to visit many girls' houses, have sweets but would not select any girl so easily". Dipali was oblivious of the fact that Sagar had moved on..after all it had always been very easy for Sagar to move on in life, give up on relationships. The heartache was never experienced by him but by only the girls he dumped so unceremoniously. One fine day Sagar lied to Dipali, "Dipali, I have got a good job offer in Pune and I am relocating to Pune very soon". With Sagar gone from Hyderabad, Dipali had no reasons to continue living in Hyderabad. She resigned from her job and left for Kolkata. In the meanwhile Sagar met Sandhya in Kolkata, he liked her and their marriage was fixed in a haste. Sagar entered into a new relationship yet again. Sagar had moved on but was Dipali able to move on? No she could not, every day she longed for her lost love. He used to call and talk for long hours with Sandhya. Sandhya who had not liked Sagar much on their first meeting, gradually started liking Sagar. Sagar had a unique charm to himself, he had a good sense of humour, was intelligent, knowledgeable and his boy like gaiety charmed Sandhya. Sandhya very soon fell in love with her fiance. Indian girls condition themselves to fall in love with the person that their parents arrange them to get married with. Sagar told Sandhya that Dipali had just been a good friend and he had wanted to marry her but could not marry her because his parents did not like her and their horoscopes also had not matched. Sagar and Sandhya had gone to Andaman for their honeymoon. Dipali texted Sagar "Please do not let some sly people ruin our lives". Sagar was angry, "how dare Dipali call my parents sly?". Sandhya too was shocked that a girl could make such a disrespectful statement about somebody's parents. Sagar messaged Dipali "Please do not disturb me anymore, I am married, check out my marriage snaps on facebook". Many a times during their courtship period Sandhya had asked Sagar to inform Dipali about their engagement but he refused to do so. Sagar had sacrificed his love for his parents but the fact that he was not aware of was that he would never be able to escape Dipali's curse. Dipali had cursed him that he would never be able to enjoy a happy married life. Sagar was not aware of the fact that you cannot always escape, he would not be able to escape the curse that destiny had imposed on his life. It was he who had chosen his life's terrain and the journey would not be easy.

Sandhya was not being able to tie the dupatta properly over her head like Dipali used to do when she sat pillion on Sagar's bike. Sandhya was clumsy. This infuriated Sagar. "Sandhya you are so dumb, I should not have married you, I do not want that my future generation should be dumb like you are". "Dipali was extremely fair and still she used to wrap the dupatta round her head, you are dark, you should be more worried about your complexion". Sandhya was apologetic, she knew that she was a little slow witted, she had always been like that. Sandhya was apologetic because she was not fair and also because she was not as smart as Dipali was. Sandhya was naive, sensitive and emotional. Sandhya was brought up in a family where nobody had spoken harshly to her ever. She had always been a good student in school, hardworking but the fact was that she was naive and slow witted. She took time to grasp the meaning of things which were otherwise evident to all other people. Sandhya was a disappointment for Sagar right from the beginning. The marriage had not turned out to be as profitable as it should have been. Sagar and his parents were not happy with the gifts given in the marriage. Sagar told Sandhya "Your dad was an engineer in a reputed government organization, both your parents were central government employees. Your parents must be having lots of money but still you did not give enough in marriage". "Even your uncle( father's younger brother) had complained to my mom that boudi (sister-in-law) could have arranged a more lavish wedding since 'dada'( elder brother) had lots of money". Sandhya was very sure that her uncle would never make any such statement. Sagar was disappointed when he first visited Sandhya's house, a week after their marriage(although his parents had visited Sandhya's house twice before the marriage). Sagar was not happy with the prospects of his future inheritance. Sagar scolded Sandhya saying that she should have done something to refurbish their dilapidated house. Sandhya meekly tried to explain that she did not have enough money to remodel the house and their house was a thirty five year old building. Sagar's marriage was not just a big disappointment for him but for his parents as well.

Sagar was very angry on their first wedding anniversary. Sandhya looked at him with distress in her eyes, tears welled up in her eyes. She was used to her husband's rude outbursts but had hoped that he would at least be kind to her on the day of their first wedding anniversary. Sagar and Sandhya had both taken a day off from office, it was a special day after all, 4th of December, 2012, their first marriage anniversary. They had after all gone through a lot of struggle in their marital life. The day was kind of an achievement for them since they had been able to walk through all the difficult moments in the first year of their marital life.

The day of 4th December, 2012, had begun just like any other normal day, Sandhya wanted to make the day special. She had decided to cook all the favourite dishes that Sagar liked. They had booked tickets for the movie "Talash" in the evening followed by dinner at Barbeque Nation. Sandhya was looking forward to spending some quality time with her husband, it was a special day after all, their first wedding anniversary. But Sagar seemed to be irritated ever since morning. He had been busy speaking with his parents in hushed tone over the phone when his mother had called him up in the morning. Sagar's mother loved him a lot and her love was of a smouldering nature. She had always been very possessive about her son. Sagar also was deeply attached with his mom and always acknowledged the fact that had it not been for her, he never would have been able to achieve the success he had achieved in his career. It was his mom who had constantly goaded him to push himself towards achieving more than he could ever contemplate to achieve. Sagar always used to speak very highly about his mom, he would say that his mom was very smart and was the 'apple of the eye' in the family. Sagar's maternal uncle lived in Canada and he too loved Sagar's mom much more than he loved his other sisters. Sagar's dad was also absolutely smitten with his wife and loved his wife dearly. She had also been loved deeply by Sagar's maternal grand parents who were no more. Sagar's mom had always enjoyed lots of love and adulation from her family and friends. It is surprising that a person who had enjoyed so much of love from all quarters had no compassion for her daughter-in-law. But what was it that made her behave in such a rude manner with her daughter-in-law? Why did this woman who was otherwise polite in her social circle turned rude only with Sandhya and her family. The first time Sagar's mother had spoken harshly to Sandhya's mother was when she was not happy with the wedding gifts. Sandhya and her mother were completely taken aback by her unexpected outburst. They could not understand that how a woman who had seemed cultured and dignified earlier had suddenly become so rude and abhorrent. Unfulfilled expectations are often enough to tear off the mask of politeness from the face of people. Sandhya was an unsuitable wife, Sandhya had not been able to enrich her husband or her in laws.

Sagar and Sandhya went out for a morning walk on 4th December, 2012. Sagar seemed to be angry about something. Sandhya could not imagine what could have happened. Finally Sagar exploded "I had married you just because of my parents, if they are not happy why should I stay with you". "My dad is unwell, he suffers from high blood pressure, high blood sugar and heart ailments and just because of you, he is not happy"."Two days back he had gone to Ramesh uncle's daughter's wedding, Ramesh uncle is not rich but still he had gifted a lavish dowry to his daughter and son-in-law. My dad was unhappy, he kept uttering at night "Does our papu not deserve to get as much in dowry". Sandhya had earlier also been rebuked by her father-in-law saying that "Don't your parents know what gifts should be given to a software engineer??." When I had married, Papu's maternal grandfather had gifted me a very heavy solid gold chain, look at the gold chain that your mother has gifted Papu!!! Papu's grandparents frequently gave gifts to their eldest son-in-law. Papu's father was an ailing man and all this anxiety over dowry was detrimental for his health. Papu and his mother looked at Sandhya with utter disgust. Sandhya tried to console Sagar saying that I will find a good job and then I can contribute money in the family, I will try my best to enrich the family. But this infuriated Sagar more. Sandhya wept, her first wedding anniversary had turned sour, the day had spoilt. Sandhya's efforts were going waste, nothing that she did made her husband and in laws happy. Sandhya was a good cook, a good singer, a good writer, a dutiful wife and a daughter-in-law but yet Sandhya was an unsuitable wife.

Dowry is an important aspect in Indian weddings and the most intriguing thing about dowry is that it is most often expectation based. It is the unspoken materialistic expectations of the man's family and so very often when expectations are not met it does not take long for a 'suitale bride' to become an 'unsuitable wife'. Very often demands are not explicitly stated. It is very difficutl to gauge the expectations of the groom's family. People often expect a lot of things as gifts but do not explicitly state it. The groom's family like to get expensive gifts in marriage but see red if anybody names it as "dowry". Dowry is also a very relative term. An amount of two lakhs may not be considered as dowry in an Indian middle class family but the same amount is a dowry and a burden for a lower middle class father. An amount of fifty lakhs may not be a dowry for an upper middle class family but again it would be a hefty dowry for a middle class family. Dowry is a very relative term. Most often dowry is demanded in a very subtle manner. In laws and the husband start ill treating their daughter-in-law, find faults with everything she does because they are not happy with the dowry they have received. It does not take long for them to decide that the girl whom they had liked and selected out of many other prospects suddenly seems stupid and useless. This is often a subtle hint to the bride's family to come up with a solution in the form of some gift or rather dowry. How nice would it be if a girl's values, her upbringing, her education and her virtues would be thought of as dowry by the groom's family? Can we actually dream of some day when we would measure dowry not in terms of cash, jewellery and goods, rather in terms of good values.

The Whirlwind

The freckled , squint eyed bespectacled girl too has a poetic heart. Although hard to believe yet at times she blushes and her acne covered face turns a faint red. Kalpa actually looks endearing at those times but very few people have the vision to recognise her beauty. She often dreams about her knight in shining armour. Kalpa often dreams about her knight who comes riding on his milky white horse and sweeps her off her feet, carries her on his horse to his kingdom, a place full of bliss and contentment. Kalpa imagines herself to be the princess in her fantasy world.  Every time Kalpa's parents look for a suitable groom for her, she imagines him to be the prince of her dreams. She imagines that he would recognize the beautiful heart Kalpa possesses beyond her freckled face. But alas , it does not happen. Poor Kalpa, she cannot bear to see her father's crest fallen face everytime she gets rejected by her prospective groom. She gazes helplessly as negotiations are done. Kalpa's father stoops under the burden of the dowry he had to pay for his elder daughter. No wonder her father looks much older than his age, bogged by the drudgeries of life. He has yet not been able to amass a lucrative dowry for his younger daughter with the meagre salary he earns in his job as a government clerk. A sum of money large enough to make Kalpa look beautiful in the eyes of her prospective in laws and groom. Kalpa's father is cursed with two daughters. If he had been lucky enough to father a son, his son would have brought wealth to the family, but he was cursed with two daughters with average looks. At times he wonders whether he should have let Kalpa complete her education. Maybe education would have given Kalpa the contentment which she does not get through the prolonged wait for the man of her dreams. Kalpa is an excellent cook. Kalpa is skilled in the art of painting. Kalpa has a nightingale voice. But alas Kalpa is not good looking, Kalpa was not born in a rich family. Kalpa has miniscule value in the matrimonial market.

Kaya is beautiful, flawless rich creamy skin, deer eyes and perfect features. Kaya does not bother to dress well and apply make up unlike the other pretty girls around her.Kaya likes playing basket ball in the sun, does not care for the fact that the harsh glaring sun tans her skin. Kaya likes wearing loose ill fitted trousers, Kaya loves chewing pan, not bothered by the red stains on her teeth. Kaya's jet black tousled hair flies wildly when she jumps about in the basket ball court. An undeniable fact is that Kaya is beautiful. In spite of her careless demeanour, Kaya is definitely stunning. Kaya's father is rich, he can get her the best groom, he has the money to buy the best groom for his daughter. But alas Kaya does not dream about a life of marital bliss and boredom. Kaya is a state level basket ball champion. Kaya is passionate about her game and dreams of representing her country. Is it fair to curb her dream, to clip her wings and not let her soar her winning flight?

Kaya , Kalpa, Sumedha, Vasudha..all are trapped in their world, trapped in a whirlwind. They make an effort to break free from their entangles. They dream of a world where they could actually live their lives on their own terms, pursue their dreams. Kalpa and Kaya are hopeful that a day would come when they would actually be the owners of their life.

The Diary of an Indian Bride

A short story about a typical Indian bride Mitrakshi, who with a quivering heart and dreams untold had stepped into a new phase of life. Two years down the line she has realized that most of her marital aspirations have not been fulfilled. Who is to be blamed?? She has learnt to accept her destiny and lead a life of contended boredom.

18th February, 2011

Dear Diary,

Today is my wedding day...it will be a special day in my life for years to come. I am about to tread on a new phase of life..my heart skips a beat. I have all the qualities to make a perfect Indian bride. I rarely do have an opinion of my own and even if I have an opinion I very rarely express it. I am submissive, homely, gullible, obedient and dutiful. Exactly six months back I had seen my to be husband for the first time, I do not remember his face clearly, I was too shy to look at him straight in the eye. My mother in law had rubbed my hands and forehead to see whether my yellowy fairness was genuine or due to the foundation which she herself had applied all over her face and neck. She patted my head as if I was a pet dog to check how thick my hair was. I have been blessed with a glowing complexion but my younger sister is not so lucky. She is dark and my parents are worried that she might not be able to grab a good husband. We Indians are racial. Yes dear diary, its true, we too are racial. We like fair people, all of us aspire to be fair. Have we not seen how important it is to be fair in the fairness ads. One becomes confident after applying the fairness cream. But I disagree. Arunakshi, my younger sister was always more confident and smarter than me. Arunakshi is dark, very dark. But have you noticed her bright eyes, her deer like eyes and when she smiles , the room lights up with her exuberance. Arunkashi is aspiring to be a journalist. She idiolizes Barkha Dutt. When my parents express concern about Arunkashi's marriage she brushes off their concern. She does not care for marriage, she does not care for anybody to approve her or her skin colour. She is complete in herself. Dear Diary, I have a confession to make, I always was a little jealous of Arunakshi. I am pretty and gullible but I am not as attractive as Arunakshi. When we were kids, friends and relatives would exclaim.."Ohh such a cute little girl, Mitrakshi is, and then pinch my chubby cheeks with affection". Everybody though Arunakshi looked drab. But Arunakshi was beautiful in her own different way. I was an obedient girl and Arunakshi was the rebel. She refused to live by the hypocritical norms of the society which let our cousin brothers to enjoy late night parties but mandated us to return home before six. She would fight , she would scream and never wanted to accept the fact that we girls are inferior to boys. I would try to reason with her but to no avail.

I was always the good girl. I played with dolls and Arunakshi played with guns, played cricket. She would defy anything and everything which discriminated her from the boys around her. I would play the role of the housewife and she would be my husband during our games. She would go out to work and I would do the household chores, cooking, sweeping , mopping. I aspired to be like my mom, the docile petite woman who had hardly ever expressed her opinion to her husband. She was the dutiful wife, the caring mother who never asked for any thing more than what she was given in benevolence. Today, I am entering a new phase of my life..this is what I have aspired for as long as I remember...to have a house of my own, my husband, his family..to live a life of monotonous contentment..but why does my heart skip a beat, spell a omen, why do I feel as if I will never be able to breathe freely in the days to come...a caged heart.

18th February, 2013

Dear Diary,

I would like to apologize to you for having forgotten you entirely. The past two years have been tumultuous, I had almost forgotten about your existence. A few days back while cleaning my cupboard I chanced upon you. Dear Diary, my life has changed. My dreams have changed. I was so wrong. I am the perfect Indian bride. I cook for my husband and my in laws and make sure that the house runs fine. I instruct and supervise the maids. I am trying my best to be like my mother in law, she is the genius in the house. My husband wants me to be like her, cook like her, dress like her, talk like her, eat like her. I have been trying to do that since the past two years but have failed totally. Dear Diary, I think I cannot be like her. At times I wake up at night with a fear gripping my heart, I am losing myself. I fear falling into the oblivion. Dear Diary, in the past two years I have come to know how useless I am. My in laws are still angry about the arrangements that were made during our marriage, the gifts that were given in marriage, the dowry which my father had given. Dear diary, I do not like it when my in laws abuse my family. But I have learnt to be tolerant, I never protest when they abuse me and my family. I keep my mouth shut and never protest to any wrong being done or said. I am the perfect Indian bride. My husband feels irritated at my stupidity. I have become stupid and absent minded too preoccupied with my life's problems. Dear diary, I have almost come to believe that I am evil. My mother in law says that I am 'manhus'(evil). I am a useless 'housewife'. Dear diary , I wish my parents had not gifted me dolls and kitchen set toys to play with during my childhood. I wish they had helped me to dream a different dream, had given me the wings to soar a winning flight. Some times I feel like running away from everything, from the humiliations and from the pettiness around me. I plan to pack my bags and leave but I change my mind the next day. Dear Diary, can I start my life fresh, can I not manage to get a job, I have done my graduation!!! But reality slaps my face, there are many jobless graduates in and around me, with better marks and better experience. I reason with myself and console myself that things will get better. After all my husband and in laws are still kind people. They verbally abuse me but have never hit me. They never set me on fire for dowry like Aruna's in laws had done. They have never pressurized me to bring more dowry and made me want to jump from the fifth floor of my apartment , like my friend Sunita had done. Sunita was scared of heights but jumping off from the fifth floor of her apartment had seemed like a better solution to her. I feel lucky for all the things that are not done to me rather than feel sad about the things that are happening to me. My husband would gradually start liking me, appreciating me for the things I do for him rather than rebuking me for things that I do not do...... Dear Diary, I will live with this hope of things getting better......

Now, the reason for which I have picked up my pen again to scribble my thoughts today, dear diary is my happiness. I am extremely happy today. The sun seems brighter today. Arunakshi has finally grabbed a coveted job as a news correspondent in one of the prime English news channels of our country. Arunakshi has done and achieved all that I had never done in my life. I wish I too was the different child, the rebel that Arunakshi was. I wish I was not the obedient docile child whom everybody would praise. I wish I had led life on my own terms....Dear Diary, I wish I had pleased myself more than trying to please all the masked plastic faces around me.

The 'chai' Connection

"Next time rinse your cup, before leaving..." the tea serving house keeping boy said. Sunaina thought she had heard wrong, she asked the tea fellow to repeat. He again repeated the same thing. Immediately Sunaina flared up, her ears became fiery red, knees felt weak, she started shivering with rage. She could not believe that this illiterate fellow had the audacity to actually order her to wash her cup before leaving the cafetaria. She felt like slapping the tea serving boy but knew better. Reacting in  such a manner  is not a demeanour expected from respectable employees of a reputed organization. She could almost imagine the smirking smile of her colleagues who were sitting in another table at one corner of the cafetaria.

This was not the first instance that this fellow had shown impudence. Employees in the company usually carry a cup of tea to their workstation and the tea serving guy, Rakesh collects the cups from everybody's desk and takes them for washing. Sunaina often would carry her cup back to the washing sink, at one end of the cafetaria. One day, she forgot to take her cup to the sink and this guy too did not bother to collect the cup from her place. The next morning when Sunaina went for a cup of tea, Rakesh ordered "Keep your cup in the sink after having tea". Sunaina felt insulted and surprised too at the fact that although this guy used to collect the cups from everybody's workstation, yet it was only she whom he had ordered to keep the used cup in the kitchen sink. Sunaina was new in the organization and did not react. She kept quiet at Rakesh's insolence. Rakesh was a Tamilian and Sunaina , a bengali girl. Rakesh did not speak much of either english or hindi, the two languages Sunaina was comfortable speaking. Sunaina thought of explaining Rakesh that he should not be talking in such a rude manner with an employee in the organization. But language was the biggest barrier. Alas, Rakesh  would understand very little of what Sunaina would say.

Sunaina noticed that this guy especially behaved rudely with her. He was otherwise good to other people. Many girls would call him 'hero' and it made him feel very proud. Sometimes he could be seen standing in front of the mirror placed at one end of the cafetaria and practice various dancing poses. All the girls and the guys in the office would joke with him and were rather fond of him. Most of  them considered him to be rather sweet. Rakesh a dark , thin fellow with curly hair and a filmy style considered him no less than any movie hero.

Sunaina could no longer tolerate Rakesh's impudence. Sunaina an introvert, a quiet docile person has a temper like a  sleeping volcano. She usually is very patient until things go beyond tolerance level. The sleeping Vesuvius was now gradually melting and molten lava started emerging...Sunaina's mind said "enough is enough...I cannot take it any more". She barged into the administration officer's cubicle and told him everything. He tried to pacify her telling that he would look into the matter and talk to the guy.

The next day Sunaina received a mail from her manager, her manager had been approached by the behavioural team of the company. They had felt that Sunaina had certain behavioral issues, was not getting along well with some people in the company. It seems they had talked to Rakesh and had researched about him. They felt that he was a very polite guy, it was entirely Sunaina's fault. Sunaina being from a privileged background was ill treating this poor fellow. Sunaina was asked to appear for a couple of psychology assessment tests. Suddenly the behavioral assessment team had become very busy, they had found an issue in the organization which had to be sorted out. They often are on the look out for 'guinea pigs'  and the moment they get an opportunity they start testing their psychology assessment learnings on that person. The other day when  a girl in the office collapsed due to low pressure and was writhing on the floor, one girl in the behavioral team commented that the other girl was having a 'panic attack'. Sunaina appeared for a couple of online tests, the results of which were never revealed to her. The pleasant looking girl in the behavioural team councelled Sunaina on how she could get good behaviour from that tea guy by smiling at him and trying to be friendly with him. Sunaina was upset, she had never misbehaved with anybody, she had never in her life ill treated any person , socially placed at a lower pedestal than her. She always talked politely to her maid, her driver, the watchman and so on and now she was being judged as an arrogant person misbehaving with the   tea serving guy in her office. She was unhappy that she was being misjudged but felt that it would be better for her to ignore this incident.

Weeks went by, Rakesh still would talk rudely to Sunaina and she would simply ignore. Sunaina was rather taken aback to see that most people including the pleasant looking girl from the behavioral team, would simply leave their cup in the sink without bothering to rinse it. The rule of rinsing the cup after having tea was solely meant for Sunaina. Sunaina was really bothered now, was something wrong with her?? what made that guy talk rudely to her for no fault of her's. She too started wondering whether it was a behavioural issue as was diagnosed by the behavioural team.  However she admonished herself saying that she could have confidence on herself, no body can be a better judge of her character than she herself.

Suddenly one fine morning a devastation occurred. The company decided to lay off several employees and close the operations in that entire office. Every body was crestfallen , scared of the connotation of losing a job and starting a fresh search for a new job. But destiny always has its final call, so Sunaina like many others bid adieu to the organization which had earned her bread for the past 9 months.

A month later, Sunaina visited her old organization for certain leaving formalities and due clearances. When she walked up to the receptionist's desk, she noticed a familiar face, a guy sitting on the stairs, it was none other than Rakesh. Rakesh too had  been laid off, just like the others. He was dressed in a navy blue T-shirt and a tattered jeans. The usually cheerful fellow looked crest fallen, the serious demeanour somehow did not suit him. Sunaina could not help but feel sorry for the guy. She walked up to the guy and smiled at him. He was a little taken aback, he had not expected Sunaina to smile at him. Sunaina asked "Kaise ho Rakesh?". He stammered and some how managed to say..."th..thi..thik hoon MADAM". It was now Sunaina's turn to be surprised, Rakesh had never addressed her as madam as long as both were working in the organization. Now when he was no longer a subordinate, he had actually addressed her respectfully. Suddenly Sunaina felt a sort of kindred with this guy, he too had suddenly turned jobless, just like her. Suddenly Sunaina remembered that one of her friends ran a staffing agency and was hiring some people. Sunaina inquired from Rakesh on whether he had managed to get another job, to which he said 'no'. Gradually Rakesh told Sunaina  about his family, his ailing mother and school going brothers. He was the sole earning member in the house. Sunaina wrote down her friend's address in a piece of paper and told Rakesh to meet him. Rakesh looked at her gratefully, his eyes reflected many things which he could not express in words. Sunaina felt good , after a long span of time she felt good for doing something selflessly.