The Severed Hibiscus

It was the first thought that came to her as she woke up. He was gone. And, soon, this bedroom, the house in whose eastern corner it sat, and the tiny garden outside with its gnarled old red hibiscus and the half-grown mango tree they had planted together, all those would be gone as well. It was the strangest feeling ever. A strange sinking feeling engulfed Madhura. It was a rented house and Madhura would no longer be able to afford to live in this big house with her meagre salary. She would have to look for a smaller place to stay. She had already informed her land lady that she would be vacating the house by the month end. Madhura no longer had tears in her desert eyes. A gnawing pain in her heart kept her awake at night. The desert eyes no longer shed a tear. The excruciating pain within the heart could never find its way till the eyes. The bright smile on the lips was just an excuse for not breaking down, the smile on the lips was nothing more than a masquerade to shield the gaping wound deep within the heart. The hollow laugh could not camouflage the pain within. When being strong is the only option left then tears have no place in one's life. When pain makes us numb then tears fail us. The silent sleepless nights, the sudden awakening in the middle of the night with nothing to break the silence of the eerie night other than the deep sigh and feeling of hopelessness. The lingering moon light would create mysterious silhouettes.

She remembered the last time she had seen him on the morning of that fateful day. He was dressed for office, he looked a little lost, a little agitated, not his usual composed self. Arun had avoided looking at her straight in the eye. He had waved a cursory goodbye before leaving for office, never to return again. “It is Friday Madhura, you do not really need to pack my lunch, I will go out for lunch with my team”. Arun had said when Madhura had handed him his lunch box for the last time. That night Madhura had returned to an empty home. She remembered the WhatsApp message she had received that evening, "Hi Madhura, as I had informed you a week back, I do not wish to carry on with our marriage and hence I am moving out of the house. Please do not try to contact me". Madhura was not surprised with the message, although she had tried her best to evade the truth but the truth had all along glared at her in the face, her marriage was over. After all, since quite some time, there had not been much left in her marriage, she had never conceived, even after four years of their marriage, her womb remained barren. There was no bond or ties left between Arun and Madhura. Since quite some time Arun had been insisting for a divorce. He had different reasons at different times. Arun’s parents too were not really fond of Madhura.

"Madhura, this is not meant to be, we are not meant to be together. I do not love you any more, its over" exclaimed an agitated Arun. “Moreover I am an only son and you have not been able to please my parents, they do not like you at all”.  “I will try harder to please them Arun, please give me one chance” said Madhura in desperation. “I want a DIVORCE” screamed Arun. Madhura looked at Arun with a glassy expression as if she had not been able to decipher the simple letters. This was her Arun, her husband of the past four years, she had never imagined a day without him and here was he really talking of separation? "Madhura, try and understand, I love Anjali and I want to marry her, you cannot really force me to live with you". She nodded her head in silent submission, she could not really force Arun to live with her. A sudden thought crept to her mind, maybe she had failed Arun, maybe she had failed somewhere as a wife, as a daughter-in-law. Maybe she could try and be a better wife, a better daughter-in-law.  "Arun, please let’s give it another try, we can make it work out, Madhura pleaded. "It’s over Madhura, please try and understand, if I have to live with you, I will have to commit suicide, shouted Arun.

“Arun, I am pregnant” Madhura had declared on a Sunday morning, exactly a month before Arun had left her forever, never to return again. She was holding the pregnancy test strip in her hand. She had expected Arun to be surprised, if not happy. But he was shocked. He paced the floor in agitation. He held the strip and tried to uncover some flaw in the test. Finally he declared in a determined voice “It still does not change my decision, I want a divorce. If there is a ‘baby’ I will take the baby’s custody in future”. The next few days were an agony to Madhura. The frequent visits to the hospital was taking a toll on her. The sight of happy couples, the husband helping his pregnant wife to a seat brought a sudden twinge of sadness. She felt alone. She had hoped some where in the most remote corner of her heart that Arun would offer to accompany her to the doctor. Madhura knew that she could be having a miscarriage as she was bleeding. She had hoped Arun would want to save the baby with as much intensity as she had wished. After all, ever since she got married all she had wanted was a baby. She had promised the ‘tiny speck’, the ‘little one’ that she would not let any harm befall on it. She had started bleeding a bit every day. The innumerable visits to the hospital, the tests, were taking a toll on her. Arun did not bother to drive her to the hospital or even accompany her to the hospital.

“Bleeding in pregnancy is not normal Madhura, it could be an ectopic pregnancy which can actually be fatal or it might be a chemical induced pregnancy” the doctor warned. Madhura stared at the doctor in a dazed manner. “Please god, please save my baby”.

Madhura sat on the bathroom floor holding the grey clump of clot in her hand, she let the blood ooze out along with the silent tears in her eyes. She bled out the last remnant of her ‘little one’ and bid it goodbye forever. It had been a week since Arun had left. The cramp she felt in her abdomen was not as painful as the pang in her heart. She somehow felt relieved. Arun had said that he would fight for the custody of the baby if it survived and she did not really want her baby to arrive in such a cruel, loveless world where it would be treated as a property and not as an individual.

A month had passed since then. Madhura had moved on.  She had moved to a smaller house. The bare feet on the wet grass, the disheveled hair falling all over the face, the creased white slightly smeared lucknow chikan kurta, the freedom to look unkempt and not the usual prim and proper self and the freedom of being happy without being questioned is a totally new and a liberating experience for Madhura. She had not experienced this happiness since a long time. The evening park was buoyant with the chirpy sound of merriment of the children playing in the park. A distant sound of the flute brings back a lot of lost memories. A long forgotten song played on her lips, she hummed the tune but the words had been long forgotten, her brows furrowed as she tried to recall the long forgotten song. She remembered singing this song along with her mother as a child on the thunderous nights spent in her quaint home in the small town on the foothills, sitting beside the glowing hurricane lantern.

Madhura took a deep breath and inhaled the sweet fragrance of her newly acquired freedom. A smile crept to her lips, a strange glow had brightened her ageing face and although the creases were still evident, the creases that had appeared on her forehead during the last few years of struggle, yet Madhura looked beautiful. Madhura has fallen in love, she is smitten and totally enamored. Is this how love feels? she wondered. Never before in her life she had experienced anything like this. Her mind immediately pictured a handsome face she had thought she loved, the few streaks of grey on his forehead and the intelligent eyes behind the black rimmed glasses. But why had this face become bleak, she tried to trace all the marks, the curves on his face but could not. Till a few months back she could remember every inch of his face and every time she recalled, she felt a pang of melancholy, a sudden twinge of pain in her heart.

A single signature on the divorce papers was a liberating experience.  It was an end to all those years of trying, trying really hard to please Arun and his parents. A scrawl on the legal papers liberated Madhura from the four yearlong effort of trying to be that which she could never be, trying to be that which Arun had always looked for in a wife. Nobody really bothered what Madhura wanted in her life. Madhura's father had never asked her on whether she would like to get married or take up the offshore job opportunity. Madhura's husband had never asked her whether she would like to pursue her dream of becoming a singer. The fact was nobody had ever asked Madhura what would make her happy and ironically Madhura herself too had never asked the same question to herself. She realized somewhere she herself was to be blamed for her misfortune. Madhura's life had revolved around Arun's life and his absence left her dazed for some days. She had never thought about the purpose of her existence. Her day had always started and ended with Arun’s thought. What would Arun like for breakfast or dinner? Would Arun approve the new dress she had purchased for herself? Would Arun get angry if she went to her mother’s place for a few days? Arun’s happiness made her feel happy. She had never thought about what she wanted in life. She had always sought acknowledgment from everybody, Arun, his parents, her parents and so on. Now it no longer mattered. For once in life Madhura did not bother what people would think of her? She did not bother to understand what her neighbors whispered when they saw her after Arun had left her.

Family, relatives and friends sympathized with her. The look of pity lingered in the eyes of people around her for many days to come. Madhura waited patiently for the look of pity to pass, she wished to live a dignified, respectful and independent life and not a life of pity and compassion. She hated the look of pity in the eyes of her close friends and family. Madhura returned to a life of normalcy soon enough much to the surprise of her friends and relatives. Madhura never enquired about Arun's whereabouts although a few friends informed her that he was living in Anjali's apartment. It did not matter anymore to Madhura. Madhura had lot of free time now. She did not wake up in the morning with the thought of what to cook for Arun's lunch and breakfast, she could actually sneak some time to go for her morning trysts in the park. The daily rendezvous with the morning sun was something she looked forward to. Every morning the sky had a different hue from the previous day, nature would everyday splash different colors on the morning sky. Madhura had a lot of free time to herself and so she has joined an NGO for street children. She spends her weekends educating the street children, encouraging them to join school. A sudden divine intervention has brought about a lot of meaning to her barren life. Madhura is no longer Mrs. Arun Sharma, Madhura is just "Madhura- the sweet one". Madhura has discovered the right essence of life, never before had she known so much sweetness could exist in life. The sweetness that comes from living a meaningful life.

Dusk had descended but Madhura continued walking bare feet on the wet grass. A few drops of rain had started falling on her feet. The clear sky was gradually getting filled with ominous clouds. It was quite similar to her life which had seemed to be perfect but a sudden quake had shattered everything. The children had returned home and so had the chirping birds. Madhura noticed a crimson hibiscus lying in her path, she lifted it gently in her hands, the severed flower was still bright crimson. The hibiscus had still retained its identity even after being severed from the tree. The flower glowed with an unusual brightness. Madhura looked at it with curiosity and gradually a smile curled up in her winter cracked lips and in that divine moment she professed her love for life, a love much stronger and passionate than any other love she had ever before experienced in her life.

The Unsuitable Wife

Sagar looked at his wife with utter exasperation, "You are so dumb and slow witted!!". The other day Sagar had gone out with his wife in the evening and he wanted her to wrap the dupatta round her head just like Dipali used to do. Dipali was Sagar's ex girlfriend. Dipali and Sagar had shared a very special and intimate relationship since 2005, until their separation in 2011 when Sagar finally decided not to marry Dipali and rather marry the docile, timid, small town girl Sandhya. But Sandhya continued to live in the shadow of Dipali, every day and every moment in their marriage. Sagar would discuss and compare his intimate moments with Dipali during his intimate moments with his wife. He derived a strange sadistic pleasure in discussing his past sexual encounters with his wife. Whenever Sagar and Sandhya fought, Sagar would compare and say that Dipali never used to snap at him. Presumably Dipali had always been submissive and would never retort. Dipali could cook really nice, Dipali was of a very jovial nature and so on. It was quite evident that Sagar was still very much in love with Dipali. Sagar was an unlucky man, he always realized the value of a person when the person was no longer in his life. Dipali was good looking and a perfect match for Sagar. Even Sagar's friends would compliment them that they looked extremely good as a couple. Sagar and Dipali were compatible, Dipali was fun to be with, a cheerful, friendly girl with a zest for life. Sagar had thought of marrying Dipali and had even introduced her to his parents. Sagar and his parents had met Dipali's parents but Sagar's mom did not approve of Dipali. She did not like either Dipali or her parents, Sagar's mother matched Dipali and Sagar's horoscope and told Sagar that it was a very bad match. Sagar was still adamant and he wanted to marry Dipali. There used to be terrible fights at home. Every day after Sagar returned from office his mother would create a huge pandemonium at home. This was not the first time that this had happened. Earlier when Sagar had liked Srimoyee, a doctor in Kolkata and had wanted to marry her, Sagar's mother had fought a lot, thrown things, had become violent and thus he had given up on Sri (Srimoyee was fondly called as Sri by Sagar), he had moved from kolkata to Mumbai, he ran away from his love. Time and again Sagar had always given up on relationships just because his mother did not approve of any girl in his life. The overwhelming love that Sagar's mother had for him stopped her from letting any other love enter into his life. It must have been suffocating for Sagar. Sagar was an unlucky man, although god had always blessed him with true love, yet time and again he decided to run away from that very love.

"Papu (Sagar's nickname), if you marry Dipali I will burn this house, I will create so many issues that Dipali will run away from your life". "I will never let you marry Dipali", screamed Promila, Sagar's mother. Sagar fought every day with his parents. Sagar tried his best but finally had to succumb to his parents' wishes. Sagar was very close to his maternal uncle. Sagar's uncle called him up and explained "Sagar if your parents do not want, please do not go ahead with this relationship, you are their only son, their only hope, please do not let down your parents". Sagar did not let down his parents. Sagar wanted to prove to the society that he was a good son. He preferred to let down his girl friend. Quite often men do not want to hurt their mother but would rather hurt their girlfriend or their wives as if there is a conflict between being a good son and a good husband or a boy friend. Sagar told his parents "If you do not want me to marry Dipali, find me a girl and I will marry her". Sagar's parents started searching for a "suitable girl" everywhere in their social circle, in matrimonial sites, in matrimonial ads in the newspaper and so on. Most of the prospects Sagar approved were disapproved by his parents. The horoscopes never would match.The next day Sagar called up Dipali and told her that he wanted to meet her in the evening. They met in a coffee shop in Banjara Hills. Sagar without much ado told Dipali " Dipali, I have always thought of you as a good friend and had wanted to marry you but I had also told you beforehand that I will marry you only if my parents approve of you and my mother does not like you at all". "Dipali, my parents have made a lot of sacrifices for me and I cannot go against their wishes". Dipali looked at Sagar with wide eyed dismay, wonder and hurt, soon tears welled up in her eyes. "Sagar , I really love you, please do not do this to me". Gradually her anguish was replaced by anger "Sagar, you have used me, look at your self in the mirror, which girl would marry you, you are no longer as good looking as you used to be at one point of time, you are fat, there are so many guys dying to marry me, how dare you reject me? Very soon her anger was again replaced by a helplessness, "Fine Sagar, at least, lets keep meeting, I love you, give me some time to come out of this relationship", to which Sagar nodded. Sagar and Dipali kept meeting. Sagar did not let Dipali know that he had already put up a matrimonial ad and was planning to get married. The father, mother, son, trio would visit various girl's houses in the quest for a 'suitable wife'. Sagar always would some how like all the girls but his parents never seem to like any girl. Sagar's dad would rebuke him saying "In our days, we used to visit many girls' houses, have sweets but would not select any girl so easily". Dipali was oblivious of the fact that Sagar had moved on..after all it had always been very easy for Sagar to move on in life, give up on relationships. The heartache was never experienced by him but by only the girls he dumped so unceremoniously. One fine day Sagar lied to Dipali, "Dipali, I have got a good job offer in Pune and I am relocating to Pune very soon". With Sagar gone from Hyderabad, Dipali had no reasons to continue living in Hyderabad. She resigned from her job and left for Kolkata. In the meanwhile Sagar met Sandhya in Kolkata, he liked her and their marriage was fixed in a haste. Sagar entered into a new relationship yet again. Sagar had moved on but was Dipali able to move on? No she could not, every day she longed for her lost love. He used to call and talk for long hours with Sandhya. Sandhya who had not liked Sagar much on their first meeting, gradually started liking Sagar. Sagar had a unique charm to himself, he had a good sense of humour, was intelligent, knowledgeable and his boy like gaiety charmed Sandhya. Sandhya very soon fell in love with her fiance. Indian girls condition themselves to fall in love with the person that their parents arrange them to get married with. Sagar told Sandhya that Dipali had just been a good friend and he had wanted to marry her but could not marry her because his parents did not like her and their horoscopes also had not matched. Sagar and Sandhya had gone to Andaman for their honeymoon. Dipali texted Sagar "Please do not let some sly people ruin our lives". Sagar was angry, "how dare Dipali call my parents sly?". Sandhya too was shocked that a girl could make such a disrespectful statement about somebody's parents. Sagar messaged Dipali "Please do not disturb me anymore, I am married, check out my marriage snaps on facebook". Many a times during their courtship period Sandhya had asked Sagar to inform Dipali about their engagement but he refused to do so. Sagar had sacrificed his love for his parents but the fact that he was not aware of was that he would never be able to escape Dipali's curse. Dipali had cursed him that he would never be able to enjoy a happy married life. Sagar was not aware of the fact that you cannot always escape, he would not be able to escape the curse that destiny had imposed on his life. It was he who had chosen his life's terrain and the journey would not be easy.

Sandhya was not being able to tie the dupatta properly over her head like Dipali used to do when she sat pillion on Sagar's bike. Sandhya was clumsy. This infuriated Sagar. "Sandhya you are so dumb, I should not have married you, I do not want that my future generation should be dumb like you are". "Dipali was extremely fair and still she used to wrap the dupatta round her head, you are dark, you should be more worried about your complexion". Sandhya was apologetic, she knew that she was a little slow witted, she had always been like that. Sandhya was apologetic because she was not fair and also because she was not as smart as Dipali was. Sandhya was naive, sensitive and emotional. Sandhya was brought up in a family where nobody had spoken harshly to her ever. She had always been a good student in school, hardworking but the fact was that she was naive and slow witted. She took time to grasp the meaning of things which were otherwise evident to all other people. Sandhya was a disappointment for Sagar right from the beginning. The marriage had not turned out to be as profitable as it should have been. Sagar and his parents were not happy with the gifts given in the marriage. Sagar told Sandhya "Your dad was an engineer in a reputed government organization, both your parents were central government employees. Your parents must be having lots of money but still you did not give enough in marriage". "Even your uncle( father's younger brother) had complained to my mom that boudi (sister-in-law) could have arranged a more lavish wedding since 'dada'( elder brother) had lots of money". Sandhya was very sure that her uncle would never make any such statement. Sagar was disappointed when he first visited Sandhya's house, a week after their marriage(although his parents had visited Sandhya's house twice before the marriage). Sagar was not happy with the prospects of his future inheritance. Sagar scolded Sandhya saying that she should have done something to refurbish their dilapidated house. Sandhya meekly tried to explain that she did not have enough money to remodel the house and their house was a thirty five year old building. Sagar's marriage was not just a big disappointment for him but for his parents as well.

Sagar was very angry on their first wedding anniversary. Sandhya looked at him with distress in her eyes, tears welled up in her eyes. She was used to her husband's rude outbursts but had hoped that he would at least be kind to her on the day of their first wedding anniversary. Sagar and Sandhya had both taken a day off from office, it was a special day after all, 4th of December, 2012, their first marriage anniversary. They had after all gone through a lot of struggle in their marital life. The day was kind of an achievement for them since they had been able to walk through all the difficult moments in the first year of their marital life.

The day of 4th December, 2012, had begun just like any other normal day, Sandhya wanted to make the day special. She had decided to cook all the favourite dishes that Sagar liked. They had booked tickets for the movie "Talash" in the evening followed by dinner at Barbeque Nation. Sandhya was looking forward to spending some quality time with her husband, it was a special day after all, their first wedding anniversary. But Sagar seemed to be irritated ever since morning. He had been busy speaking with his parents in hushed tone over the phone when his mother had called him up in the morning. Sagar's mother loved him a lot and her love was of a smouldering nature. She had always been very possessive about her son. Sagar also was deeply attached with his mom and always acknowledged the fact that had it not been for her, he never would have been able to achieve the success he had achieved in his career. It was his mom who had constantly goaded him to push himself towards achieving more than he could ever contemplate to achieve. Sagar always used to speak very highly about his mom, he would say that his mom was very smart and was the 'apple of the eye' in the family. Sagar's maternal uncle lived in Canada and he too loved Sagar's mom much more than he loved his other sisters. Sagar's dad was also absolutely smitten with his wife and loved his wife dearly. She had also been loved deeply by Sagar's maternal grand parents who were no more. Sagar's mom had always enjoyed lots of love and adulation from her family and friends. It is surprising that a person who had enjoyed so much of love from all quarters had no compassion for her daughter-in-law. But what was it that made her behave in such a rude manner with her daughter-in-law? Why did this woman who was otherwise polite in her social circle turned rude only with Sandhya and her family. The first time Sagar's mother had spoken harshly to Sandhya's mother was when she was not happy with the wedding gifts. Sandhya and her mother were completely taken aback by her unexpected outburst. They could not understand that how a woman who had seemed cultured and dignified earlier had suddenly become so rude and abhorrent. Unfulfilled expectations are often enough to tear off the mask of politeness from the face of people. Sandhya was an unsuitable wife, Sandhya had not been able to enrich her husband or her in laws.

Sagar and Sandhya went out for a morning walk on 4th December, 2012. Sagar seemed to be angry about something. Sandhya could not imagine what could have happened. Finally Sagar exploded "I had married you just because of my parents, if they are not happy why should I stay with you". "My dad is unwell, he suffers from high blood pressure, high blood sugar and heart ailments and just because of you, he is not happy"."Two days back he had gone to Ramesh uncle's daughter's wedding, Ramesh uncle is not rich but still he had gifted a lavish dowry to his daughter and son-in-law. My dad was unhappy, he kept uttering at night "Does our papu not deserve to get as much in dowry". Sandhya had earlier also been rebuked by her father-in-law saying that "Don't your parents know what gifts should be given to a software engineer??." When I had married, Papu's maternal grandfather had gifted me a very heavy solid gold chain, look at the gold chain that your mother has gifted Papu!!! Papu's grandparents frequently gave gifts to their eldest son-in-law. Papu's father was an ailing man and all this anxiety over dowry was detrimental for his health. Papu and his mother looked at Sandhya with utter disgust. Sandhya tried to console Sagar saying that I will find a good job and then I can contribute money in the family, I will try my best to enrich the family. But this infuriated Sagar more. Sandhya wept, her first wedding anniversary had turned sour, the day had spoilt. Sandhya's efforts were going waste, nothing that she did made her husband and in laws happy. Sandhya was a good cook, a good singer, a good writer, a dutiful wife and a daughter-in-law but yet Sandhya was an unsuitable wife.

Dowry is an important aspect in Indian weddings and the most intriguing thing about dowry is that it is most often expectation based. It is the unspoken materialistic expectations of the man's family and so very often when expectations are not met it does not take long for a 'suitale bride' to become an 'unsuitable wife'. Very often demands are not explicitly stated. It is very difficutl to gauge the expectations of the groom's family. People often expect a lot of things as gifts but do not explicitly state it. The groom's family like to get expensive gifts in marriage but see red if anybody names it as "dowry". Dowry is also a very relative term. An amount of two lakhs may not be considered as dowry in an Indian middle class family but the same amount is a dowry and a burden for a lower middle class father. An amount of fifty lakhs may not be a dowry for an upper middle class family but again it would be a hefty dowry for a middle class family. Dowry is a very relative term. Most often dowry is demanded in a very subtle manner. In laws and the husband start ill treating their daughter-in-law, find faults with everything she does because they are not happy with the dowry they have received. It does not take long for them to decide that the girl whom they had liked and selected out of many other prospects suddenly seems stupid and useless. This is often a subtle hint to the bride's family to come up with a solution in the form of some gift or rather dowry. How nice would it be if a girl's values, her upbringing, her education and her virtues would be thought of as dowry by the groom's family? Can we actually dream of some day when we would measure dowry not in terms of cash, jewellery and goods, rather in terms of good values.