A short story about a typical Indian bride Mitrakshi, who with a quivering heart and dreams untold had stepped into a new phase of life. Two years down the line she has realized that most of her marital aspirations have not been fulfilled. Who is to be blamed?? She has learnt to accept her destiny and lead a life of contended boredom.
18th February, 2011
Dear Diary,
Today is my wedding day...it will be a special day in my life for years to come. I am about to tread on a new phase of life..my heart skips a beat. I have all the qualities to make a perfect Indian bride. I rarely do have an opinion of my own and even if I have an opinion I very rarely express it. I am submissive, homely, gullible, obedient and dutiful. Exactly six months back I had seen my to be husband for the first time, I do not remember his face clearly, I was too shy to look at him straight in the eye. My mother in law had rubbed my hands and forehead to see whether my yellowy fairness was genuine or due to the foundation which she herself had applied all over her face and neck. She patted my head as if I was a pet dog to check how thick my hair was. I have been blessed with a glowing complexion but my younger sister is not so lucky. She is dark and my parents are worried that she might not be able to grab a good husband. We Indians are racial. Yes dear diary, its true, we too are racial. We like fair people, all of us aspire to be fair. Have we not seen how important it is to be fair in the fairness ads. One becomes confident after applying the fairness cream. But I disagree. Arunakshi, my younger sister was always more confident and smarter than me. Arunakshi is dark, very dark. But have you noticed her bright eyes, her deer like eyes and when she smiles , the room lights up with her exuberance. Arunkashi is aspiring to be a journalist. She idiolizes Barkha Dutt. When my parents express concern about Arunkashi's marriage she brushes off their concern. She does not care for marriage, she does not care for anybody to approve her or her skin colour. She is complete in herself. Dear Diary, I have a confession to make, I always was a little jealous of Arunakshi. I am pretty and gullible but I am not as attractive as Arunakshi. When we were kids, friends and relatives would exclaim.."Ohh such a cute little girl, Mitrakshi is, and then pinch my chubby cheeks with affection". Everybody though Arunakshi looked drab. But Arunakshi was beautiful in her own different way. I was an obedient girl and Arunakshi was the rebel. She refused to live by the hypocritical norms of the society which let our cousin brothers to enjoy late night parties but mandated us to return home before six. She would fight , she would scream and never wanted to accept the fact that we girls are inferior to boys. I would try to reason with her but to no avail.
I was always the good girl. I played with dolls and Arunakshi played with guns, played cricket. She would defy anything and everything which discriminated her from the boys around her. I would play the role of the housewife and she would be my husband during our games. She would go out to work and I would do the household chores, cooking, sweeping , mopping. I aspired to be like my mom, the docile petite woman who had hardly ever expressed her opinion to her husband. She was the dutiful wife, the caring mother who never asked for any thing more than what she was given in benevolence. Today, I am entering a new phase of my life..this is what I have aspired for as long as I remember...to have a house of my own, my husband, his family..to live a life of monotonous contentment..but why does my heart skip a beat, spell a omen, why do I feel as if I will never be able to breathe freely in the days to come...a caged heart.
18th February, 2013
Dear Diary,
I would like to apologize to you for having forgotten you entirely. The past two years have been tumultuous, I had almost forgotten about your existence. A few days back while cleaning my cupboard I chanced upon you. Dear Diary, my life has changed. My dreams have changed. I was so wrong. I am the perfect Indian bride. I cook for my husband and my in laws and make sure that the house runs fine. I instruct and supervise the maids. I am trying my best to be like my mother in law, she is the genius in the house. My husband wants me to be like her, cook like her, dress like her, talk like her, eat like her. I have been trying to do that since the past two years but have failed totally. Dear Diary, I think I cannot be like her. At times I wake up at night with a fear gripping my heart, I am losing myself. I fear falling into the oblivion. Dear Diary, in the past two years I have come to know how useless I am. My in laws are still angry about the arrangements that were made during our marriage, the gifts that were given in marriage, the dowry which my father had given. Dear diary, I do not like it when my in laws abuse my family. But I have learnt to be tolerant, I never protest when they abuse me and my family. I keep my mouth shut and never protest to any wrong being done or said. I am the perfect Indian bride. My husband feels irritated at my stupidity. I have become stupid and absent minded too preoccupied with my life's problems. Dear diary, I have almost come to believe that I am evil. My mother in law says that I am 'manhus'(evil). I am a useless 'housewife'. Dear diary , I wish my parents had not gifted me dolls and kitchen set toys to play with during my childhood. I wish they had helped me to dream a different dream, had given me the wings to soar a winning flight. Some times I feel like running away from everything, from the humiliations and from the pettiness around me. I plan to pack my bags and leave but I change my mind the next day. Dear Diary, can I start my life fresh, can I not manage to get a job, I have done my graduation!!! But reality slaps my face, there are many jobless graduates in and around me, with better marks and better experience. I reason with myself and console myself that things will get better. After all my husband and in laws are still kind people. They verbally abuse me but have never hit me. They never set me on fire for dowry like Aruna's in laws had done. They have never pressurized me to bring more dowry and made me want to jump from the fifth floor of my apartment , like my friend Sunita had done. Sunita was scared of heights but jumping off from the fifth floor of her apartment had seemed like a better solution to her. I feel lucky for all the things that are not done to me rather than feel sad about the things that are happening to me. My husband would gradually start liking me, appreciating me for the things I do for him rather than rebuking me for things that I do not do...... Dear Diary, I will live with this hope of things getting better......
Now, the reason for which I have picked up my pen again to scribble my thoughts today, dear diary is my happiness. I am extremely happy today. The sun seems brighter today. Arunakshi has finally grabbed a coveted job as a news correspondent in one of the prime English news channels of our country. Arunakshi has done and achieved all that I had never done in my life. I wish I too was the different child, the rebel that Arunakshi was. I wish I was not the obedient docile child whom everybody would praise. I wish I had led life on my own terms....Dear Diary, I wish I had pleased myself more than trying to please all the masked plastic faces around me.
